Shedding...

Remove one letter and we have gone from shredding to shedding. I will say shedding is not near as painful as the shredding but I'm still not an enjoying this part of the journey. What I cling to in this shedding is what I know about the process; it is done to reveal new. My chocolate lab, Maggie (pictured left), is very old. She constantly sheds leaving clumps of her old, dead hair around the house. When I take the time to brush her coat thoroughly, a new, shiny, more youthful coat is revealed. I would like to believe I will look younger after my shedding but I will settle for a new, content spirit. Yesterday I was confronted with a hard truth. When stripped of certain items, I do not like who I am left with; I do not like what I see. So far on this journey I have surrendered a few things, none of which I wanted to let go of but I did so out of survival and obedience to God. First, was my career. God made it abundantly clear that my job had to go. Slaying dragons on the daily left me emotionally empty with nothing left to give to my family or to my marriage. Next was a special friendship. It is impossible for my heart to move forward with my husband when I am relying and confiding in someone other than him. Lastly, was my crutch of alcohol. There were times that it was used in excess but the majority of the time I enjoyed a glass of wine or a couple of beers while I cooked and had supper. What I have discovered is that the alcohol definitely helped me mask or numb my true feelings, which I'm certain is the reason I have been directed to shed this habit. Without these three conditions, I am left with no where to hide, nothing to numb the pain, nothing to lean on... but God.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight."

-Proverbs 3:5-6

I am not going to pretend that I am enjoying this process or I'm finding joy in it even though that is what we are called to do. "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance." -James 1:2-3 I am not at the point of "pure joy". I am tired! I am tired of the struggle, the back and forth, the unmet longings, the waiting. I do believe that there will be a day that I look back on this time with joy because I will have persevered. I believe that this is my shedding and that when He is done with me I will be new; I will be whole. As I go through this process of Him stripping away my tools for coping, I am being forced to deal with what is left. There is nothing to lean on or hide behind, except for Jesus. No one is going to rescue me or adequately fill the voids in my heart except for Him. I have guard against falling back into old habits. The drinking is not an issue because I refuse to be disobedient but I have caught myself again looking to others to see what to emulate. I didn't get far down this road before I recognized the old pattern. This feels like progress!

This journey is not new; I began over two years ago. I have only recently brought you all along. I often have to remind myself the reason I started the journey. Sometimes I forget that it isn't just about fixing my marriage; it is about fixing me! I realized I had no idea who I was. I unknowingly masked this issue for over 20 years; truth be told, it may even be longer. I got lost in my marriage and tried to be everything I thought I was "supposed" to be. My family and childhood friends said that I had changed. Unhealthy circumstances forced me to face the reality that I always did what everyone wanted me to do. I finally started asking questions of myself: Where am I in all of this? Who am I? Where is my voice? Who was I created to be? I equate becoming a puppet for others like the frog that is in the gradual pot of boiling water. You don't realize that you are dying until circumstances force you to face the truth. I believe God is shedding my old and bringing about new. I believe that at the end of this, I will know who I am and I will have a voice. I don't know what that looks like and right now I am not enjoying the process. I genuinely feel lost. I looked around yesterday and everything was a mess and that is exactly what I felt like, a mess. I keep telling people I am ok but at the slightest word I may break into tears. Yeah, I'm not ok but I still believe I'm getting there. I am striving for each step I take to be in obedience. I read in a devotion this morning from Pam Jenkins, "He honors us in our place of obedience and pours out grace abundant in our weakness". I believe this to the depths of my soul. I am praying for God's supernatural abundance. Why else would I follow Him in my shedding? Why would I give up my job that provided me success and my identity? I gave up a friendship that made me feel whole. I surrendered drinks that numbed it all and made it seem tolerable. I do it because I trust Him, still. Even though this process has been long and painful, I still trust. Sure, I would have liked to have this over a LONG time ago but it just must not be time. I trust His timing. As I said before, there must be more to learn. I believe I am in a final stage of becoming new, of becoming whole.

What have you been called to shed, to give up? What do you use to numb or hide your pain? We can use all sorts of things to help us cope...food, Facebook, Netflix, alcohol, drugs, relationships. My experience has taught me that one "substance" may work to numb the pain for a while but eventually you will need or want more. Alcohol has always been a part of my marriage from the time we met. Eventually, I needed something else to help me feel loved. Unfortunately, I did not have the wisdom to turn to the Almighty.

Whatever he is asking you to surrender, do so in obedience so that He may reveal your "new". ReplyForward