Blank!

I've thought a lot about writing in the last few months but I really haven't had anything to say. You know it's been a while when you can't even remember the email associated with the page!

I have started posts here and there but when the words didn't come, I just closed the tab. I have 23 unfinished posts filed under my drafts tab! This post may belong under the draft tab as well but I'm going to press on. I guess you could say this one is like a Seinfeld episode, a blog about nothing!

The feeling of BLANK is kind of an unsettling place to be. I have everything in the world to be grateful for; there is absolutely nothing wrong in my life, nothing! (Praise Jesus!) Everything is good, no everything is great! I spend daily time with Jesus, I practice gratitude nearly every day through a podcast I follow. I am fortunate enough to fill most of my days however I see fit, yet I often find myself absolutely BLANK! The cursor blinks on the page and the page remains BLANK!

My usual mode of operation would be to fill this void with "stuff" or unhealthy habits. I am pleased to report that I have grown enough to recognize this tendency and resist those temptations.

As I was praying this morning and feeling unsettled about this blank space, I thought I should write about this void. Why? Because I surely cannot be the only woman who has everything but some days feels a void, feels space filled with nothing.

I likely won't have any wisdom to share or be able to wrap this up with some profound statements or scriptures (I mean do I really ever do that?) but I'm just throwing this out so maybe someone else can identify with how I am feeling and know that they are not alone or weird or whatever word you might assign to this feeling.

This feeling isn't constant. There are moments where I feel relief because I indeed feel something but then the void returns. And listen, I am doing all the things! I workout four days a week, I get sunshine when it's pretty and this week has been amazing in the weather department! I eat healthy, I read my Bible daily, I practice gratitude nearly every day. I don't say all of that to pat myself on the back, but I say it to be clear that you can do all the things and still find yourself in a blank space.

I don't want you to confuse the feeling of blank space with the feeling of numbness. I have been there too and this is not that. I feel the emotions of joy, happiness, love, peace, etc. but there is still an unexplained blankness.

As I write this, I recognize that there is a void of purpose in my daily routine. The things mentioned above are mainly done in isolation. Most of my days are spent alone with little interaction with others. My kids are all but grown and gone. Our interactions are brief and generally involve the preparation and consumption of food.

What am I doing to fulfill my purpose? If I were to answer this question now, I would say not much. My guess is that finding the answer to the purpose question would likely fill the void; however, I feel like I may be stunted when it comes to finding purpose or should I say extremely cautious. I have learned, the hard way, to be very wary of what I say yes to. I have found myself involved in things that are just not a good fit or that are too demanding or that frankly, I dread, and then I have to quit them which leaves me with a feeling of guilt. I feel like it's a vicious cycle.

I won't settle for this feeling of void. I will be diligently seeking new purpose to fill this abyss of BLANK! We were all created for purpose!

As I said earlier, I don't have the answers but as I seek them, I know they will come. I'm hopeful that me sharing this might resonate with another.

-Until next time...hopefully sooner rather than later!

"For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things He planned for us long ago." -Ephesians 2:10 (NLT)