It's Been a While!

“The One Who called you is faithful and will do what He promised.” ~1 Thessalonians 5:24

My goodness it has been quite a while since we last visited! Thoughts....words...they have been bubbling up inside of me but nothing would come out. I couldn’t get a word from the Lord and remember I prayed that not one single word would be published that wasn’t from Him, that wasn’t blessed by Him. So I have waited. Ideas for a post would come but would flee as quickly as they came.

It surely had me questioning what was all this blog stuff about anyway? Why did I share my deepest, most intimate thoughts and feelings with some friends but also a few strangers? I don’t know the answers to those questions except at the time it was necessary, it was healing. Healing to get the words out, to vomit the feelings, rather than hold them in to fester. It was healing to hear from others and know that admitting to my flaws and failures, although scary, just might help someone else. It was healing to hear from others who had similar stories. Did you know that I wasn't alone in what I was feeling, in what I was going through? Did you know that others have a mess in their life too, a mess in their marriage? This life is MESSY, without a doubt, and my constant craving for new and fun made it even messier. Contentment has always evaded me, even as a little girl. Oh, I am not miraculously cured of this disease but I would like to think that I have put it in its place. You should know, I haven’t been able to do any of this in my own strength but by the power of you know who...The Big Man, God, The Man Upstairs...you get the idea!

Besides my occasional flare up of discontentment, I’m also not one who gives myself a lot of praise or credit. In fact, quite the contrary. I tend to be very hard on myself but ironically I tend to be rather free with grace and mercy towards others. Just the other day I had a friend tell me, “Stop being so hard on yourself!” He was right! I needed to give myself a break.

So , I will take this brief moment to give myself credit for one thing I know I did right. Even though I was going through, what felt like pure emotional hell, I was faithful. I was faithful in my belief in God and my belief in His ability to see me through this horrible season. I might have wavered from time to time but I never quit. I continued to read, to pray, to cry out, and to lean into God. I would utter hundreds of times a day, “I trust you, God!” I did this sometimes as a whisper and other times in a crying fit, on my knees, as I was absolutely heartbroken. I would repeat this phrase repeatedly until the agony would subside. Sometimes it took only once, while other times I would repeat it over and over and over! I begged and I pleaded for God to take away the pain, to make it all go away and to heal me, to heal my marriage. Did He take it all away and heal me completely? NOPE but He was still faithful!

A verse I read this morning prompted me to revisit my blog after all this time. “The One Who called you is faithful and will do what He promised.” 1 Thessalonians 5:24.

I said that I was faithful but God was also faithful. He kept His promises to see me through, to never forsake me, to be at my right hand, to hear my cries, to bring me peace. He never promised to make me happy or give me a trouble free life, a trouble free marriage. In fact, He said just the opposite. "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." -John 16:33

I have grown throughout this process. God has revealed parts of me that I always knew were there but I never could access. I believe that God never wastes a hurt. He uses every hurt, every tear, every broken piece and He molds it into something beautiful, not only for our good but for the good of others.

I don't know what reading this blog means to you but I hope it's encouraging. I hope it encourages you as you live out your own kind of "messy" to lean into God, to push through, persevere, and never give up! Trust Him at his word, trust Him to fulfill His promises. You may not get everything you prayed for, as He doesn't grant three wishes, but you will get His best. That's what I have prayed many times. "Lord, don't give me what I want but give me what I need and give me your best!" I still have days where I must utter "I trust you God" and I suspect I always will. But by the grace of God and his unending mercy, may I always lean into Him and TRUST!

"...because God has said, "'Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.'" -Hebrews 13:5

"I have set the Lord always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken." -Psalm16:8

"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." -Philippians 4:7

I hope we get to visit again soon! Until next time...