Into the Light

A famous line from Poltergeist (1982...yes I’m old!) was Caroline’s mother yelling at her, “Do not go into the light!” She yelled this for fear she might die. I have recently discovered that unless we bring everything into the light, we are living in darkness, and it can feel like we are dying. While on this journey, I thought I had bared it all, surrendered it all. You’ve likely read all that has been surrendered in previous posts, so there is no reason to rehash it all, but I discovered that I was wrong. There was more I had to share; a nugget of darkness remained that I was holding onto, although I was unaware.

God reminded me of this sliver of deceit from the past that I had not shared with Tom. I brushed it off as being in the past but God would not let it go. He began nudging me to tell him, to bring it to the light. I resisted for a few days but He is, and was persistent. Let’s be clear; this was more than, “I cheated on my diet and ate a piece of chocolate cake.” This was potentially a life altering, relationship destroying nugget of truth that God had decided He wanted me to share. I am stubborn by nature and therefore argued with God. Surely, He chuckled at my confidence! I reasoned that nothing good could come from sharing this thing from some time ago and that I really saw no point. (Another chuckle I am sure.) He was still persistent, “Tell him.” I pleaded, begged, prayed, and quite frankly was sweating bullets. I tried to negotiate my way out of it but He wasn’t having it. He assured me that He would be with me. God didn’t promise me it would be ok and that I would be without consequence but He did promise that He would see me through it.

I won’t go into the gory details but I will tell you it was more than ok. Oh, it started a little dicey but 3 hours later the conversation ended better than the place we had started. If I am honest with myself and with you, this is always the case. The Lord may bring us through some very tumultuous waters but once we are through them, and if we navigate them with Him, we are usually in a better place than where we began.

“...to open their eyes and turn them from darkness to light, and from the power of Satan to God, so that they may receive forgiveness of sins and a place among those who are sanctified by faith in me.”

-Acts 26:18

I realized that day that light is associated with knowledge. By sharing this truth or knowledge with Tom, it opened up communication and allowed him to share his own truth. God fulfilled His promise to be with me, to not forsake me, and to see me through as I acted in obedience.

Today, I feel lighter. I had no idea that my secret had such a hold on me, mainly because I hardly ever thought of it. There are no more lies, no more secrets, there is no more deceit, only truth. This feels like a place of freedom. I have freedom in the truth that there is nothing left for me to do to fix my marriage. We have communicated, surrendered, prayed, and revealed the truth. I am releasing myself of the burden that I must fix my marriage. This is a job for God. He must change hearts, which only He can do.

For now, I will continue on this path of new. I believe that had I not been obedient to God’s nudge, I would continue to live in captivity and be burdened by something that is not mine to carry. There is freedom not only in living in truth but in living with obedience to God. This obedience allows me to follow One who is omniscient. He knew and He knows; why would I not follow Him? He has seen the end of the movie. He’s read the end of the book and He only wants what is good for me as any good father would. I continually pray for His best!

“For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor; no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless.”

-Psalm 84:11

“The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love. He will not always accuse nor will he harbor his anger forever; he does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him…”

-Psalm 103:8-11

Bringing the truth to light doesn’t mean that we are now living in marital bliss. It simply means we continue to try; we continue to trust. Over the last 22 years we have each had ample reasons to walk away from this marriage and would have been justified in doing so, both of us; however, each time that we have been close to splitting, God intervenes. We feel God is for this marriage, not a shell of a marriage but the fullness of marriage. He wants us both to be whole not just two people living under a roof claiming “married”. I continue to seek this and will not rest until it has been received. Years from now if you see the two of us still married, you can rest assured that it is in fullness, as neither of us will settle for anything less.

Is God nudging you to do something, tell something, reach out to someone? You can try to argue as I did. You can even ignore Him, as we all have free will, but what if there is something on the other side of the nudge? What if there is a blessing that you are unknowingly refusing? Walking in obedience can be scary, no doubt, but He will see you through. We all know that secrets and deceit destroy relationships. We may try to minimize and rationalize the effects and cling to our reasons for holding them close, but I have learned when God is nudging, there is a reason. When we resist His nudge or when we are disobedient to Him, we are limiting the work He wants to do in all areas of our lives but especially in our relationships.

God has been faithful to me. He has equipped me for everything He has called me to do and He has given me the courage to walk through every step of obedience. I have never been alone. Please know that I am not special, I am not blameless. I have many flaws and He sees them all. He loves you just as much as He loves me. He will walk with you too, just invite Him along on your journey.

“He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge.”

-Psalm 91:4

“But the Lord is faithful, and he will strengthen and protect you from the evil one.”

-2 Thessalonians 3:3

“If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

1 John 1:8-9

“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”

-Deuteronomy 31:6

“The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”

-Deuteronomy 30:8

Today I walk in His light and in His truth and for that I am grateful. I pray the same for you!