I HATE Roller Coasters!

I have always hated riding roller coasters. I attributed my disdain for these massive death traps to never being tall enough to ride as a small child or even a teenager for that matter. Children don't see the fear in roller coasters. They only see the excitement of the ride. By the time I was tall enough, probably 15 years old, I thought why would I ever do this, negative ghost rider (Top Gun)! There's also the minor detail that my neighbor had her ear cut off riding one at Hamel's Park, our town's amusement park. Yes, you read that right. She stuck her head outside of the coaster car to wave to a friend and a pole smooth took off her ear, luckily it wasn't her head! This left quite the impression on me as I watched her recovery from afar. The warning of "keep your head and arms inside the ride at all times" rings true for me! I only wish I had read the warning regarding emotional roller coasters. Having been on this ride for a few years now, I have determined that I don't like them either, in fact I HATE them. I didn't lose my ear but I did lose my heart and I can't seem to get it back. So here's my warning label to you, "Don't get on that ride as you might lose your heart, your mind, your family, your friends, your self!"

One thing I haven't lost is my faith. Oh, I have been close as of late. I have been angry at God for leaving me in this state of pain and sadness when I know he could take it all away, but then I come to my senses and I know the truth. Even though I may have felt abandoned, I know in my heart that is not true. How do I know this? I trust His word, I trust His character, I trust His promises! I said before that He never changes.

"For the Lord your God is a merciful God; he will not abandon or destroy you..."

-Deuteronomy 4:31

"He who is the Glory of Israel does not lie or change his mind; for he is not a man, that he should change his mind."

-1Samuel 15:29

Despite knowing that God is with me through all of this, I can say that I am tired, over it, and emotionally exhausted. Actually, this describes the feelings of all parties that have been on this roller coaster ride. Everyone is DONE and wants off! There has been nothing exhilarating about this ride. I equate it to that wooden roller coaster that beats you nearly to death. I feel like I have been taken to those lengths; I think it is safe to say that we all feel this way. The last stop has come and we have all decided to get off of this ride. Oh, we have said this before but there is something final about this time. There is a resolve that I have not seen before. There is a resolve that I have not felt before. This time we are all exiting the roller coaster car never to return.

So what does that mean? What is the next move? I don't know just yet. Those next steps are just coming in to focus but the word "new" is what comes to mind: a new self, a new future, starting over, square 1, space that may create clarity, renewed heart. All of these things must happen in order to be whole. At the end of all of this, I simply want to be whole. It's all I have ever wanted. I don't strive for happiness, I strive for wholeness. I do believe; however, that when I am whole that I will truly be happy. I will no longer have to manufacture happiness but will truly feel it. The same goes for love. I believe I will truly feel authentic love rather than trying to fabricate this feeling that often eludes me.

I will find my wholeness through truth, honesty, and Jesus. He never left me in my despair just days ago, even though I felt His distance. He was there as I cried out. He heard me. He gave me a word when I needed it. He sent me the person at just the right time to comfort me. He may not have delivered me in the time frame that I want, but he will deliver me. I know this!

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways declares the Lord. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."

-Isaiah 55:8-9

At the end of this I do not want my way; I want God's way, God's best for me, for everyone. I trust He will give me that as I continue to seek Him.

"But if from there you seek the Lord your God, you will find him if you look for him with all your heart and with all your soul."

-Deuteronomy 4:29

"If you seek him, he will be found by you; but if you forsake him, he will reject you forever."

-1 Chronicles 28:9

"If my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land."

-2 Chronicles 7:14

Please remember why I share. I told you in the beginning that this journey would be authentic, that it would be genuine, and that it would be with Jesus. I don't share so you may be tempted to judge me from your righteous throne but rather so you may be encouraged with whatever situation you may find yourself in. I share so you know that you are not alone in your struggle, that you may put down the alcohol that helps you cope and helps you numb because I have done that too, again and again and again. I share so you can replace the bottle with the Bible because that is what I am choosing to do now. Alcohol has always had a place in my marriage, from the time we met, until just recently. It's time to see what we have left when we strip our relationship down to just three: me, him, and Jesus!

What emotional roller coaster has you tired, exhausted, questioning everything? It doesn't have to be a difficult marriage that gets you to this point. Relationships with friends, family, colleagues can bring us to a point that is unhealthy, not just for you but for everyone involved. Why do we usually hang on way past the point of healthy? At some point we have to get off of the ride and find our new, find our Jesus, make ourselves whole again.

His timing has not been my timing, for I have wanted to experience wholeness for a while now. Not just wholeness in myself but wholeness in my marriage. I have literally begged, on my knees, yet here I am. This doesn't mean that He is not acting, that He is not moving; I trust that He is. It simply means it is not time or that I have something left to surrender or more to learn.

"In his heart a man plans his course but the Lord determines his steps."

-Proverbs 16:9

I trust the Lord to determine my next steps. I continue to claim that He has a plan for me (Jeremiah 29:11) and that He will give me the desires of my heart (Psalm 37:4), to be whole and to love authentically!

I pray the same for you!