Who Am I and What Do I Want to be When I Grow Up?

This is a sad question to be asking yourself at nearly 47 years of age but this is where I am today. I was visiting with a friend this morning who extended the common sentiment of TGIF. My response was that everyday is the same for me now. With that reply came a pang of sadness and of wondering. Who am I? What am I supposed to do?

Walking away from my career, one month ago yesterday, was terrifying. It was the end of something I so desperately wanted and worked hard to achieve, yet I had to let it go. Within two weeks, these feelings changed to those of a freedom that I hadn’t realized. Freedom to have my days be as I wanted, freedom from stress and anxiety, freedom from unmet expectations; however, the new feeling of wondering quickly crept in, the feeling that I have no idea who I am.

To further complicate things, I also consider myself to be a chameleon, meaning I can usually fit with anyone almost anywhere. I can fit in with the “religious” and I can fit in at a bar. I could adopt a hippy or granola lifestyle and then attend a gala the very next weekend. This isn’t meant to be fake or disingenuous, I truly enjoy all scenarios. My kids make fun of me because I will make grand statements that we are no longer eating sugar or that we are gluten free or maybe this time we will be Vegan. All of these lifestyle changes usually last no longer than a week. These examples are the very essence that sometimes I have no idea who I am.

In all honesty, this feeling of lost identity is not totally new for me. It is a question I have pondered many times throughout my life. You see, I am a people pleaser. From a very early age, I would and will do almost anything to keep the peace. I will forgo my opinion, my preferences and refuse to debate most topics in an effort for everyone else to be ok, to be happy. I would tell myself that I really didn’t care or that I was tough and I could handle it or at least I thought I could; however, all my people pleasing and self-sacrifice is catching up to me. I have found myself lost and unsure of what comes next, who am I supposed to be?

Just this year a district leader approached me to share that she observed that my fellow administrators would lean into me and really identify with me but she noticed that I own things that really aren’t mine to own. She further shared she hoped it wasn’t to my detriment. I am afraid she was aware of something that not even I realized at that point. Her statement was foreshadowing as to what was to come. The pattern in all of my relationships is that I own most everything that goes wrong because I think I can handle it. I tell myself it doesn’t really matter. I’m here to tell you that it does matter and I cannot handle it as well as I thought I could. It has left me where I am today, wondering who I am, what am I supposed to do, and what are my next steps? It has left me searching for my voice.

But God... at the age of 15 I found Jesus. I didn’t find Him in church but through a T.V. evangelist (crazy, but true). I was in my room by myself flipping through the channels. For some reason I stopped and listened to this man as he provided an invitation to follow Jesus. I wrote down what he said and repeated the prayer to invite Jesus into my heart. I attended a church service here and there but was super intimidated by Sunday School. I was afraid they would call on me to read those weird names aloud or ask me a question that I was supposed to know the answer to. I did not feel grace and mercy; I felt judgement and intimidation. I went away to college and partied like a rock star. I didn’t step foot in a church those 4 years I was there but did read the Everyday Bible my mom gave me and the devotions she sent me. I would read, repent, party, repeat. I loved Jesus but I loved other things too. This was my life for many years and even today remnants of it creep in from time to time. It was and sometimes still is a major tug of war. Despite the tug of war, I always find my way back to Jesus where my true identity lies, where grace and mercy are abundant.

Friend, when you are not sure who you are, you catch yourself watching others to see what they do and you think that is what you want. I have observed friends and watched how they mother their children and think, I want to be that kind of mom. I have watched marriages that seem happy and tried to emulate what they do. I have tried being the career woman because who doesn’t love a strong, successful woman who appears to have it all? I have tried and am currently back to the stay at home mom role. Frankly, I am not very good at it. I hate cleaning, I am not organized, and it challenges me in a way that my career never did. In my career I felt like I was equipped to do it, minus the near nervous breakdown from stress (insert eye roll at myself) but the constant messy house, piles of laundry, and forgetting essential items for a new recipe make me feel quite inept at being a stay at home mom. I know there are many women who would give anything to stay home and would be great at it. Please do not hear that I am ungrateful and unaware of my blessings. I am simply sharing my struggle in my journey at this point in hopes that someone else may identify in some way.

When I find myself in this spot of lost identity or feeling less valuable than I know I am, I know how to figure out my next steps. I again lean into Jesus. I do nothing more. I sit, I pray, I weep, and I wait. Just because I struggle today doesn’t mean that I don’t believe everything I said in former posts; it just means today is a struggle. I continue to claim that Jesus sees all of this, all of me. He knows me, He knows my heart. I trust He will give me not what I want, but what I need. He goes before me in all situations. He hears my cries and dries my tears. He has a plan for me and it is great, it is full, it has purpose. It may not feel great today but someday it will. Someday I will look back at one bad day and realize He had me all along.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.”

-Jeremiah 29:11-13

I seek Him with all of my heart. I claim this scripture often. I also continue to seek the fullness of life that He promises in John 10:10, “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.”

I don't know what I want to be when I grow up except the best version of myself. I pray often that my children will reach the potential that God meant for them. I want this for myself as well. I have had many missteps along the way, probably more than most, but I choose the grace and mercy that is freely offered me and strive to be better everyday. A wise friend once shared this with me: Know better, do better! I love it!

Please remember why I share my heart. It is for no other reason but to encourage others. I am surely not the only one who is having a bad day. May you know that you are not alone and be encouraged by the promises of Jesus to sustain you, hear you, and give you life to the full.

“Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall.”

-Psalm 55:22

“I cry out to God Most High, to God, who fulfills his purpose for me.”

-Psalm 57: 2

Note: The pictures are a copy of what I wrote the day I accepted Jesus in 1988. I found this many years ago and I keep it in my bible.