The Battle of the Heart and Mind

I have found myself in a battle as of late and by “late”, I mean the last two years. My heart and my mind have been in direct conflict with one another. This can be a very confusing matter depending on which school of thought you subscribe to. In the world you may hear things such as, “follow your heart” or “just do what makes you happy”. Believe me, this sage advice is very tempting to take, especially in my weakest moments, but then my mind will take the lead.

My mind gives me pause. My mind points me to logic and reason, allowing me a glimpse of what may come to pass if I were to leap without caution towards what the heart wants or thinks it wants. My mind shows me my responsibilities and reminds me as to why I do not get to throw caution to the wind and go “be happy”. My mind shows me potential consequences for chasing what looks like the trail of never ending happiness. After all, what is happiness? Where do we find it and how do we keep it?

Happiness is simply a feeling that changes like the wind. What makes us happy in one moment can completely disappoint and be unfulfilling in the next. When I looked to define “happy”, the word contentment was listed as its synonym. This reminded me of the younger, less content, Jill. Contentment was something I struggled to find in my youth. I always wanted the next big thing, the newest iPhone, newest car, better house, better clothes, the list goes on and on. My appetite for “things” became insatiable. I always needed to have something to look forward to. What I discovered was that there was no possible way to find contentment until I dealt with my heart. My heart had a longing and insecurity that I was trying to fill with the latest and greatest. I could fill that ache for a time, but it never lasted. I always needed more; it was my addiction. It never lasted because it wasn’t meant to last. I was filling my heart with the wrong “things”.

God made our hearts to seek, to desire, to yearn, but this longing is meant to bring us to Him when all else leaves us feeling empty. Only God is able to fill those voids in our heart. This is a truth I finally discovered after a lot of wasted money and much disappointment. I finally figured out the key to being truly content and confident was Jesus. Jesus fills the void, He lets me know that I am enough, even with an old iPhone! I finally learned that there will always be someone smarter, prettier, wealthier, skinnier or whatever other “er” you may be struggling with. It’s normal to struggle but we cannot dwell in that struggle. We need to recognize what the heart is longing for and go to the only ONE who can fill our needs.

So, you may be thinking, if I figured this all out, then how did I get in this battle? Knowing the truth and living the truth are two different things. It’s easy to fall back into old habits and old ways of thinking and that’s exactly what happened. It manifested in a different way this time (not in chasing things but in chasing fun), but the condition of the heart is what landed me there. I found myself in an unhappy marriage and rather than seeking and waiting on God to fill my longings, I took matters into my own hands. I began pursuing my own idea of happiness and contentment. This became extremely confusing because as time wore on, the conflict between heart and mind was revealed.

So, here I am full circle from where I started this blog. I have realized that I do not get to just “be happy” and follow my heart at the expense of my husband and my kids. I’m certain many women have found themselves lost in the marriage, the job, the family, the house, and just want to find their “happy"; a happiness that just might be found in a new adventure or in chasing dreams that have gone unfulfilled. Let me warn you that following our hearts towards our dreams or adventures can be risky. What might we lose chasing the next best thing only to find that it didn’t last? Isn't is possible that this adventure will leave us just like all the others, alone, unfulfilled, empty? Did we lose everything trying to be content, trying to be happy?

“The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?”

-Jeremiah 17: 9

“He that trusteth in his own heart is a fool; but whoso walketh wisely, he shall be delivered.” -Proverbs 28: 26 (KJV)

The condition of our hearts must be addressed in order to fully be content, to truly be happy. Only God can fix our hearts. We must find our happiness within His will for us, in where he has us at this moment.

“Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.”

-Psalm 37: 4

I’m not saying that I am choosing to settle for mediocre in my marriage or in my life. God did not plan for us to live mediocre lives. Look around, nothing about God is mediocre! One magnificent sunset, moments in the mountains, or quiet afternoons on the water prove otherwise. He came so that we “may have life and have it to the full”.

“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that you may have life, and have it to the full.”

-John 10:10

How do I live life to the full? How do I find fulfillment and contentment in my marriage and in my life? I don’t have all the answers to these questions as I am still on the journey. All I know to do is to lean into God, dig into His word, seek His will for my life, and let Him show me what He has in store for me and for my marriage. I am choosing to delight myself in the Lord because I want Him to give me the desires of my heart. I put my trust not in my heart but in my God!