Shredded...again!

I wish my heart were only broken but it is shredded, again. Who knew the heart could be shredded over and over again. Trust me, it can. I have yet to experience true healing. Oh, I thought I had but I was clearly mistaken. Each piece of my heart is currently hanging on by a thread. Can you picture it? I can. Not only can I visualize the damage but I feel it so intensely. More intensely than I have ever felt anything before. The worst part is, that I created this level of pain. I colored outside of the lines. I believe that intensifies the pain.

But Jesus...I have cried out to him, literally asking him to help me! Begging him on my knees to take this pain away, change my heart, because I know He can. Why does He leave me here? I have surrendered all I know to surrender. Why must I still have the pain?

I don't have the answers to all of those questions but I still trust. I dry my tears, I get up and put one foot in front of the other because despite my frustration, my anger, my pain...I trust!

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."

-Psalm 34:18

"The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, and his ears are attentive to their cry..."

-Psalm 34:15

Friend, if you are thinking of toying with the forbidden or feel the draw to enter the pit, don't! It is hell. It is a hell you have never known and a pain you will never forget. It will nearly consume you, not just a part of you, but all of you.

But Jesus...He is grace! He is good! Even when I cry out to him in anger, frustration, He is still good. He doesn't leave me, even if I feel abandoned, I know He is still there.

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

-Isaiah 41:10

So once again I pick up the pieces of my shredded heart and I attempt to be whole. Will it work this time? I don't know. Let's be clear that there is no part of me that can do this alone. I cannot make myself whole, only He can. I put one foot in front of the other only by His power. If I were doing this alone, I would crumble. I would have been defeated long ago. I will be victorious in this because I am partnering with the Almighty! The same power that raises the dead and parted the sea lives in me through the Holy Spirit.

Today the shreds of my heart may bleed but I know these wounds will become scabs and I pray for the day that they heal and become scars. Scars that cannot be torn loose, torn open by a memory, a thought, a word, a reminder. They will just be scars, just memories, some happy memories. There are times from this season that I will never regret, even though it had me outside of the lines. I simply regret the pain, the hurt to me and to others.

The funny thing about my shredded heart is that it is so big. God gave me a heart that was always meant to love and to love big. I was the little girl that cried at every wrong in a movie or at the save the pets commercials. I am still burdened by the sight of two dogs I pass by on the way home every day. They are pinned up with not a single blade of grass. Their life looks so hopeless. Things like this haunt me where someone else may not have even noticed.

Several years ago, I shut my heart off. I was tired of continuously hurting so I stopped. I stopped caring and started pretending that I didn't. I refused to watch anything that made me sad. I closed off parts of my heart that were not meant to be closed. I pretended that I was tough and couldn't be hurt. I was wrong. This is not how God made me. He made me to love. He filled me full of compassion for others. This process has reignited my love for others. That is why this hurts so badly. There is no anger but only love. A love that never should have been but it is still love. Even though my heart is shredded again and I have grief, I am not grieving alone. I have Jesus. I trust Him! I will not give up. I will not give up because I believe His promises. His promises are plentiful. His word is alive. It is everything! Without His promises all of this hurt is for naught. I will not let this pain I feel go unused or be in vain. Someone else must know, must heal, must benefit from my shredding and this is why I share. I share bits and pieces of my story so another may heal or maybe even decide they want to know this Jesus that I rely on to get me through each day. The Jesus who dries my tears and gives me His grace and mercy. Maybe they want the peace that only He can give, a peace that surpasses all human understanding.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

-Philippians 4:6-7

Once again, I lean in. If you know anything about me at all, it is that I am a fighter. I always have been. I may be small but I am mighty. I will not be defeated by this. I will not give up my promises, the blessings that the Lord has in store for me. I will be ok and no matter what you are going through, you too will be ok, if you will lean into Jesus. There are some hurts that you just cannot go through alone. Your hurt is likely not like mine but you still have the shredding, the scabs. Maybe you are fortunate enough to have your scabs be scars but you must have gone through quite a bit of pain to get those scars. Don't give up and don't give in, fight! Claim your promises as a child of God. He is mighty! He is good! He never changes. He will turn good into bad, bring light to the darkness.

"Jesus replied, 'You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand."

-John 13:7

"Taste and see that the Lord is good. Oh, the joys of those who take refuge in him!"

-Psalm 34:8

"And the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. For example, we don't know what God wants us to pray for. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words. And the Father who knows all hearts knows what the Spirit is saying, for the Spirit pleads for us believers in harmony with God's own will."

-Romans 8:26-27 (NLT)

"And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them."

-Romans 8:28 (NLT)

"Can anything ever separate us for Christ's love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death?" (Romans 8:35) "No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us." (Romans 8:37) (NLT)

He will make beauty from my ashes!