Scared to Share

This is a quick turn around for me as I usually only get one blog out a week. It's not because I'm busy because we all now know that I quit my job. I should tell you that all of my blogs have been God breathed. He gives me the topic and the words and I just share my heart. My prayer has actually been that not one word would be published that isn't God breathed. I pray that over this one now as it has a different tone.

I had a conversation today with a dear friend. This friend I imagine reads my blogs with the gritted teeth emoji scared to death as to what the next line will say. You see, she is scared for me. Scared what people might think, scared that I will be judged, scared that I am sharing so much of my personal life, of my marriage. I love that she loves me so deeply and is so concerned and I would love to say and have actually probably said that I don't care what people think, but that would be a lie. I have always cared way too much what people think. I'm working on that. Good golly what a way to work on it but by oversharing with friends, family, and complete strangers!

I feel like I have to revisit why I am doing this in the first place. It is not to air my dirty laundry or drag you all along into my chaos and dysfunction. It's about authenticity, which I am super passionate about. I am so tired of the facade. I need other people, christian or not, to realize that we are all broken, we are all flawed, even when we look like we have it all together. My family, from the outside, looks pretty great and it is but it is not perfect. I look like I have it all together but I have been a hot mess only pretending! Not on purpose in order to be fake but it was my way of surviving the mess. "I'm ok, it's ok, we are all ok!" Until we are not.

I share so others know it is ok to be flawed, ok to be broken. My hope is that by my transparency, someone else may identify and may be encouraged because here is the beautiful part, we don't have to stay broken. We don't have to live there, dwell there. There is hope if you cling to things that can help you and not further mask your brokenness. Surround yourself with people who lift you up not those who tear you down. Decide to face the ugly and begin to deal with it.

Of course you know by now that I choose to lean on Jesus. I can assure you that without Him I would be divorced and broken further, maybe even beyond repair. I cling to the One who can not only hold me up and sustain me but He can take my broken mess, the shards of the brokenness, and make it into something beautiful. He is in the process of doing that with me now. I know it, I feel it, I have confidence in it.

For those who do not understand, who cannot relate, I am happy for you. I dare say that more people can relate than cannot and these posts are for them. Your struggle may not be my struggle, your sin may not be my sin but I would be careful when tempted to judge another's journey (refer to blog post #1). We cannot know a person's past, we do not know the burdens they have had to carry because we are all so good at masking. People only share so much. They only share what they can bare to share, the bits that they can stand for you to know. Most don't share it all. We think we know it all but maybe it is just a glimpse into something much darker than you realize.

Your sin may not be theirs and it may not be mine but we all have sin. We are all flawed no matter how close we are to Jesus and isn't that the point? Isn't that why He came and died for our sins?

Do I get scared sometimes to put so much out there? Of course. I do not want to be talked about in a negative way but it is likely going to happen anyway, so why not be for a good cause? To know that one single person has been encouraged by my story is all that I need. If sharing my journey helps someone look at themselves in the mirror without shame and guilt because they know someone else has been there and they are not alone, then it is worth it. If another wife decides to stay and fight a little longer for her marriage, for her kids, and invites Jesus into the struggle, then it is worth it. Every negative comment, every strange look, every friendship lost...worth it every time!

You don't have to stay stuck in the struggle! God never wastes a hurt. Let Him use your story to help someone else.