Restless in the Waiting

If you know me well, you know that I am always just a little late. Although it may be an irritant to some of my friends, most have just learned to accept it and even count on it. In fact, if I do arrive before them, I feel like I should receive some sort of award or gold star. Let's be clear, I'm not obscenely late, as that would be disrespectful to the one waiting, but I'm probably a good five minutes late on most occasions. Subconsciously, I think I'm late because I hate waiting! It makes me antsy and frankly seems like a waste of time. I would much rather arrive and get right to it.

That's my personality in general. I'm a "get to it" kind of girl. I don't like details, I don't like planning. I do quite well flying by the seat of my pants just rolling with the punches. The details bore me and I lose interest quickly. I don't think these are necessarily great traits but they perfectly describe me. I've tried to be more of a planner, to care about and study the details, to prepare in advance for the exam rather than cram until 3 a.m., but it just doesn't work for me. My brain will not allow me to focus until I can feel the strain in my neck telling me it is "go time"! Under the pressure, under the stress, I am quite productive and can be very successful.

With all that being said, you can imagine how I must be squirming in my current state of waiting. I'm waiting for everything that I have been on my knees praying for in the past few months. I'm waiting on direction regarding my next career move (if there even is one) or my next purpose. I'm waiting on all of the promises from God that I know will one day be fulfilled. Did I mention how much I HATE to wait? I like for things to move along quickly. Nothing about this journey has been quick. It has been long and arduous and some days it feels like it will never end.

Today in my study, The Answers to Your Deepest Longings, by Lysa TerKeurst/Proverbs 31 Ministries, I found some encouraging truth in the Old Testament. I was reading about the Israelites and their delivery from slavery in Egypt into the Promised Land. You see, I have been praying that God will deliver me into the "promised land" that I believe He has for me. I continually pray for this in His timing but I sometimes secretly wish His timing was my timing, which would have been yesterday! Anyway, the Israelites quickly forgot their suffering in captivity and how God had delivered them. They returned to their life of sin and began worshiping other gods.

"Whenever the Lord raised up judges for them, the Lord was with the judge, and he saved them from the hand of their enemies all the days of the judge. For the Lord was moved to pity by their groaning because of those who afflicted and oppressed them. But whenever the judge died, they turned back and were more corrupt than their fathers, going after other gods, serving them and bowing down to them. They did not drop any of their practices or their stubborn ways."

-Judges 2:18-19

They demanded a man be appointed king like they saw in their surrounding, unbelieving nations. They felt like this king would bring them more security than putting their hope in a God they could not see. Here is what struck me in the study: "What the Israelites didn't know is God intended they would one day have a king, a good king, but God wanted to appoint that king in His timing and His way." (The Answers to Your Deepest Longings, Lysa TerKeurst/Proverbs 31 Ministries) Because the Israelites demanded this in their own time rather than in God's timing, they brought more trouble on themselves. God had bigger and better plans for Israel but He eventually gave them what they asked for even though He knew it wasn't best.

"The Lord answered, 'Listen to them and give them a king.'"

-1 Samuel 8:22

Enter 30 year old Saul, the newly appointed king. In short, Saul did not follow God's commands and acted independently of Him.

"'You acted foolishly,'" Samuel said. "'You have not kept the command the Lord your God gave you; if you had, he would have established your kingdom over Israel for all time. But now your kingdom will not endure...'"

-1 Samuel 13:13-14

I believe God will sometimes give us what we ask for even if it is not His best for us just like He gave the Israelites the king they demanded. I reflect on how many times I have thwarted God's best for me by being impatient in the waiting or by acting independently of God. I'm certain my past disobedience has kept me from receiving my "promised land" sooner. I want to stop the cycle of impatience and disobedience as this is obviously not working for me. As much as I hate to wait, even on God, I am striving to do just that and not take matters into my own hands. I do not want to miss out on what God has in store for me, His best! I truly have no idea what that is but I know that He knows. I do not want to be a slave to my own impatience and blinded perspective. I cannot see what He sees and I cannot know what He knows. I don't pray for God to give me what I want; I pray that He will give me what I need because only He truly knows what that is.

Trust me, some days are easier than others. There have been days, even this week, that I have wanted to throw in the towel and run for the hills but I don't. At just the right time, God will send me a nugget of hope; He will send me a word, a truth, a friend. It's obviously just not time!

I have declared over and over that I trust. I must have proclaimed this phrase a thousand times over these past two years. Sometimes it has been uttered with doubt yet still declared. As the days and weeks tick on, I say it with more resolve, more belief! I still trust!

Something I try to remember in this time is to not steal more than the day or the moment gives me. This is true with God. Sometimes we try to take more or maneuver for more than He ever intended for us. My goal as I continue in this journey is not get out of step with God. I don't want to be one step behind or one step ahead but right where He wants me in every given moment.

Are you growing impatient in your waiting? Remember the scripture above that stated had Saul waited and obeyed God's commands, God would have established his kingdom of Israel for all time. I am believing that whatever it is, it will be worth the wait!