Tug of War

Well, once again, it’s been a while.  Sometimes that’s a good thing because there’s not much to say and sometimes it’s a bad thing because I don’t know how to write what I want to say.  I’m not really sure which season I am in.  I guess maybe a little of both. 

I’ve opened the blog page a dozen times, hoping to write, only to abort and slam the laptop shut.  The words just seem to evade me.  

I was at a fundraiser last week and someone said, “You haven’t been blogging lately!” It felt like there was more behind the statement than her just casually mentioning it.  By that, I don’t mean that she meant more by the statement, but that the statement had some deeper meaning for me. So here I am, attempting to blog, AGAIN!

I shared with this friend that I am writing a book and that I have found it hard to write the blog while writing the book.  I also shared with this friend, that since finishing my rough draft, I have been filled with fear.  I mean do I really want to share my deepest, darkest secrets with everyone?

She quickly replied, without hesitation, an emphatic, “Yes! That is what we are supposed to do.”  Clearly her secrets are not as dark as mine (wink,wink) but I guess she's right. God doesn't pull us from the trenches and put us back together so we can keep it to ourselves. We are meant to share our stories so we can encourage others.

I will press on to rough draft number two.  More on that later...

None of what I have droned on about so far in this blog is why I opened the computer just now.  The thoughts above have nothing to do with what has been on my heart recently.  But isn't it just like me to “chase a rabbit”, as I like to say? I usually always find my way back to my original thought. So, here goes…

I’ve found myself again in a bit of a strange season and I thought others might be able to relate. Someone out there, who reads this little blog, might be able to see themselves in my words.  

Conundrum is the word that comes to mind, "a puzzling question or problem". Except I don't really have a problem but my feelings have me quite puzzled and sometimes questioning.  It feels like I’m in a tug of war, like my emotions are confused and being pulled in opposite directions.  I find myself in a state of gratitude yet discontentment.  My heart fluctuates between happiness to sadness, sometimes mere minutes apart.  

The most confusing part is that there is no real reason to feel the negative sides of the tug, you know the discontentment and the sadness.  I mean there is absolutely nothing wrong.  No real problems, just the mundane. 

Yes, I know that there are many walking this earth who would kill for the mundane and here I am complaining about it.  I get it! I've been there too, but the feelings still exist.  I've learned on this journey that if you feel something, it is better to acknowledge those feelings and try to find the root rather, than to deny they even exist, hoping they will just go away. Does that really ever work, ignoring your feelings? It doesn't for me. The unaddressed feelings will eventually rear their ugly head.

I think these unwanted feelings began to surface as Tom and I started course work for Life Coach Certification.  The course focuses a lot on one's values, mission, and vision and how we as individuals need to discover our core values and establish our mission/vision for life, rather than allowing life to just happen to us. We've learned we should filter decisions and choices through our set of values. We've had many conversations around this topic which has brought to the surface feelings, longings, and possible regrets for me that I didn't realize existed.

Tom and I have also come to a stage in our lives where we feel like God wants us to simplify.  Now, what does that look like??

We have yet another life transition on the horizon in the coming year, with Ali graduating high school, which will leave our nest completely empty.  The cherry on top is we have both entered our fifth decade of life and feel like all these life transitions combined make simplicity seem all the more appealing.  

The things I strove for in my younger years are no longer important to me. They really just make me tired and I want to get rid of them...simplify. My values have shifted. 

I’m now seeking to honor these core values, whatever that looks like. It sounds appealing to talk about but that is where the uncertainty lies. I've identified what is most valuable to me but how do I go about honoring those things?

Although I am grateful for this clarity and awareness, I find myself clinging to the old ways, which can leave me in that state of sadness that I mentioned earlier.  I miss my career, I miss making money, I miss traveling, I miss my friends, I miss work, but then I remember the things I don’t miss.  

It's here where the state of gratitude and discontentment seem to collide.  I’m grateful that I have been afforded the option to be home and serve my family but I can also easily get lost. I lose my sense of value and independence. Some days, maybe even weeks, I’m just not sure what I am supposed to be doing.

I have busied myself with philanthropic work and recreation, and countless other things but nothing seems to fit.  There’s something missing and I just don’t know what it is.  

It’s an unsettling spot to be in, really.  To be grateful, yet discontent, happy yet sad. Can anyone else relate?  

I feel like I am a very capable being, yet I seem to be wandering aimlessly, accomplishing nothing. I have tried different things, different ventures. But as I said earlier, they just don’t fit. 

This seeking and striving, to no avail, can be frustrating and confusing but I won’t allow myself to stay there. I may visit the realm of discontentment or sadness, but I don’t live there. I can't live there because I'm surrounded by all the reasons to be content and happy. 

Someone shared a clip recently, from Willow Creek Community Church, that stated “In the chaos of life, there is an eternal plan unfolding.  We find assurance and rest in knowing that God is sovereign over every detail.” 

She went on to say “God is sovereign, even I can’t screw it up!” 

Then she flipped it to say, “God is sovereign.  YOU haven’t screwed it up!”

 Ahhh, now that landed well!  I received that statement!  It resonated with me! 

That simple statement comforts me as I wrestle with my current state. I often feel like I have made a mistake, missed the opportunity… should have done this, should have done that!

That statement reassures me that I haven’t screwed it up.  I am not being punished.  I am not off track.  I am seeking Him and I am trusting Him and He has it!  He has ME!  He has YOU!  

I’m reminded that it really is that simple.  He loves me and He is working all things out for my good…despite me and my flaws and my failures.  (Romans 8:28)

Another verse that comes to mind is Jeremiah 29:11, “‘For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’”

Even though I feel like I am wandering aimlessly, I am not.  There’s a plan that is unfolding and I will rest knowing that.  The plan isn’t my plan, it’s an eternal plan.  He really just wants me to rest in the knowing. The knowing that He is sovereign over everything.

We don’t have to strive.  We don’t have to worry.  We simply have to trust and obey. I trust that even if everything doesn't fit right now, there is a day coming when it will all fit perfectly! Rest my friend!

-Until next time…

“‘For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,”’ declares the Lord.  “‘As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.’”  -Isaiah 55:8-9

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”    -Romans 8:28