Love Me Until My Walls Come Down

Once again, it's been a minute since my last post. My mind has been busy as always but the Lord has seemed quiet. I've continued with my daily reading but the devotions seem to fit others, so I pass them on. I haven't felt like He has given me much direction lately.

Driving home from taking Ali to school, I started thinking about emotional walls. These are the walls that we build when we are hurt to protect ourselves from future hurts. You see, I am a master builder. With each of life's hurts, I pretend that I am ok but I throw up a wall of protection to make sure it doesn't happen again. I have many walls, they are thick, and they are nearly impenetrable. Deconstructing these walls is something I am working on now but I am finding it nearly impossible to tear them down, even when my logical mind tells me it is now safe to do so. I have maneuvered through life with these walls for so long, I don't know how to function without them. I am not someone who is big on feelings or emotions, I would rather pretend I don't have them at all because vulnerability to them is scary. The walls act as a barrier between me and my emotions; it's as if the walls allow me to pretend that feelings don't exist.

This reminds me of our little dog Toby. Toby was a stray that chose us a year ago this past October. Everyone in the family hated Toby except for Ali and me. He was the very essence of a hot mess. He was ugly cute and flea infested but he needed a home so we took him in. Loving Toby has not always been easy. In fact, most would have put him right back where they found him after a few short weeks. He would mark nearly every spot of his new home with his "special sauce", especially if it had the scent of Tom or Jacob. He peed on Jacob's backpack, baseball bag, and our comforter as it was on the floor to be washed. You name it, he marked it. He would even pee on our one eyed King Charles, Jack, while he was going potty. On one occasion I fussed at him and he found a pair of my boots and peed on them to show me he didn't appreciate my scolding him. He was a real treat. As if all of that was not annoying enough, he found great sport in harassing our other stray, Molly. He would nip at her heels sending her much bigger frame cowering into her dog house. He was the very essence of a bully. He ran off once and was found two miles down the road. The entire family saw this as the perfect opportunity to be rid of him and were very displeased when I went to pick him up.

Fast forward a year later and Toby is like a new dog. He's still ugly cute, without fleas, and far from perfect but he is free with his love and snuggles. He sits where we sit and never misses an opportunity to rest his head on our arm or our leg. He is the first to greet us when we arrive home and loves to run and play outside. His past experiences made him fearful and frightened. His past fears made him construct his own set of walls. It took time for us to love him into submission to a place that he could trust us and love us back.

This is how I picture God loving us. He knows our past hurts and scars. He understands our reluctance to trust and surrender and He continues to love us anyway. He loves us until our walls come down. Some find it difficult to put their trust in the unseen Father because of the hurt that they have experienced by the "seen". Tearing down walls and becoming vulnerable to another hurt is scary and feels foolish but if walking in your hurt alone is leaving you in the state of hopelessness, then it may be time to try something different, to try something new. These hedges of protection essentially give us a false sense of security. There is only One who is truly able to give us all we need, including protection from future hurts or deliverance from our past hurts. We all have hurts, some more excruciating than others, but nothing is beyond God's ability to heal.

"Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him." -Psalm 62:5

"...and by His wounds we are healed." -Isaiah 53:5

If Toby had never been willing to trust, he would have missed out on a new home that offered not only safety and security but most of all love. I wonder if by living behind these walls, we are actually giving more power to the pain. Maybe by trying to avoid being hurt further, we are not living at all. We are in essence limiting our ability to experience the fullness that life has to offer. I have experienced a lot of pain over the past few years, pain I have tried to will away, but then I think, maybe this pain is a welcome change to feeling nothing at all, feeling numb; at least I feel something. This pain has made me face some harsh realities and is bringing about change. I am learning how to take down my walls so that I can learn how to love and be loved.

What are you missing out on by living behind false walls of protection? Are your walls keeping you from the love of the Father who only wants to bless you and keep you? By living in the shadow of your walls, are you missing out on your best life, the fullness of life that God intended for you all along? I know I have missed out on the last few years and I refuse to miss out on any more. Fear of failure, hurt, and ridicule, have no place here any longer. I will live in freedom. The freedom of knowing that there is something bigger, something better on the other side of the walls.

I want to love freely without fear of being hurt and I want to allow others to love me. This likely cannot happen overnight. Some days the bricks will come down one at a time but I am hopeful there will be days that give way to experiences that will blast right through at least one wall. I'm certain there are other walls behind that one but maybe, just maybe, there will be a day that they will all just crumble.

"The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face shine upon you and be gracious to you; the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace."

-Numbers 6:24-26