I Wanted to Give Up!

"Nothing comes easy!", they say, "Anything worth having is hard work!" The people making these comments are not currently in the trenches. I say that confidently because you can't utter these statements when you are barely holding on. Your mind can't process such reason. Keeping your white knuckle grip on whatever it is you are grasping takes every ounce of your energy.

Fighting for something so dear to you, such as a child, your marriage, your family, or your health is an exhausting journey. It is all consuming. Every thought, every word, everything you do is done for the sole purpose of surviving the trial.

Now that I am four years in the journey of a marital struggle, I can honestly tell you the fight is worth it. I can more than just see the light at the end of the tunnel; I am beginning to walk into the light!

There were days, weeks, months that I thought I wouldn't make it, we wouldn't make it and it's not by chance that we did. We didn't just get lucky or fall back in love like teenagers. That doesn't just happen or it didn't for us. You have to dig, scrap, claw, fight, cry, and maybe even cuss a little (kidding...mostly) to get to that light that I speak of.

I will share a secret ingredient and if you have read any of my previous blogs you already know what I am going to say...God. It is but by the grace of God that Tom and I are still standing. Despite all the ugly (and I do mean U-G-L-Y) that was going on in our marriage, we both stayed close to God. We both prayed, read, listened, and did our best to obey. We certainly weren't perfect...who is, but we tried. Neither of us wanted to lose our family. We may not have liked each other but we loved the family that we had created. We loved our kids and our home and our traditions. We knew that divorce would shatter all of that. Some pieces would be broken beyond repair. We had to fight to get back to some sort of foundation, some piece of solid ground. The only solid ground we found was Jesus.

Why do I write this today? A few scriptures hit me this morning that gave me this word.

"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful."

-Hebrews 10:23

"I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted."

-Job 42:2

He has been faithful! Faithful when I was desperately crying out, begging Him to save me, save my heart, save my family.

It hasn't been a quick fix but we didn't get to this point quickly! It took years of disengagement, dismissals, discontentment that went unchecked!

It takes time to change hearts. Overnight change likely won't last. How many lottery winners still have their millions? Statistics show, not many, because it happened overnight, not through hard work and sacrifice. If you stay married long enough, you will have to work hard and you will have to sacrifice! GUARANTEED!

I think it's worth mentioning that you don't have to be perfect and without sin to cry out to God. He takes us as we are and molds us into what He wants us to be...if we let Him. I was far from living right when this first began. I call it the pit; I was in the pit but He still heard my cries. He still came and got me from the pit and He will get you too. You only need to ask!

"Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there."

-Psalm 139: 7-8

He didn't require that I pull myself from the pit before He would hear me, before He would help me. He heard me as soon as I called to Him.

A final scripture that was just shared with me from a dear friend, "Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."

-Galatians 6:9

We are going to grow weary, it's HARD holding on this tight, but don't give up!! Whatever it is you are fighting for, dig in, do the work, cozy up to the Lord! He will carry you through.

I believe that we are walking into our harvest time because we didn't give up.

Friend... DON'T GIVE UP!

-Until next time...