Grateful

It has been a minute since my last post. On one hand my mind has been quiet and on the other it has been messy with much of the same woes. I couldn't quite grasp what my next topic of writing would be and gratitude kept coming to mind. Although it feels cliche' to write about this at Thanksgiving, I guess that is the whole point of the holiday, so here goes.

The first thing that came to mind when I was reflecting on this time of gratitude is you, the reader. I am so grateful for the support I have encountered at this venue. This strange space that I have created to share my feelings as I attempt to not only heal but also help others to heal.

I have been met with support from strangers, friends, and family both near and far. While others quietly support me in the distance, I know they are there; I know they are cheering me on in my pursuit of wholeness. Countless times I have had people tell me that they enjoy my posts and I didn't even know they read my little blog. People from my past and present have messaged me with support and have even shared their own story. For all of this, I am grateful. You have allowed me to feel secure in finding and sharing my voice. I'm certain the criticism is out there but I am grateful that its reach has not been such that it has found me. As I have said before, I pray that not one word is published that is outside of God's will. I also prayed that as I shared some deeply personal points in my journey, God would control the narrative and it seems as if He has! Grateful!

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday, not only for the food, but I love the gathering of family and friends. There is no pressure to find not only the money for the perfect gift but the perfect gift itself. It is simply a time to gather and overindulge on some of life's simple pleasures. This year I am ecstatic to host my first Thanksgiving with some of my family. Oh, I wish it was with all of my family but that is an impossible feat. I am grateful for those who will be present. I honestly believe in "the more the merrier!" I love the noise, the controlled chaos, and even the mess. An opportunity for some or all of us to gather is truly a happy time for me and for this opportunity I am grateful!

I am even finding gratitude as I continue through my journey. Walking away from my career was extremely difficult and I have second guessed this decision many times but I am grateful to be strolling through this season nearly stress free. I am able to engage with my family on a level that was not previously possible. Just last night, a Tuesday night, we had six kids in the house, ate dinner, and played a mean game of Pictionary. Tuesday nights did not previously look like this. While in my career, I was incapable of checking my stress at the door and enjoying life. It consumed me.

I am grateful for the emotional space that I have been given to seek, to find, to sort, to discover. The tears are fewer, though not absent, but I am slowly finding my way. I haven't reached the point where I would "go through it all again because I am in such a better place" but I am hopeful that will be my reality someday. I've been living this cycle for nearly 47 years so I guess it's going to take a minute to break the patterns. I would pay top dollar if I could find the shortcut for this trip but apparently that doesn't exist and I therefore keep trudging along. As I sometimes doubt my ability to be whole, to find "me", I am reminded that if I continue to put in the work, I will find my way and for this I am grateful!

Most of all I am grateful for grace and mercy. I say this all the time and some might think I do so flippantly but I genuinely claim these gifts. I also strive to extend grace and mercy because I know how much I truly need them. I can't count on receiving them from all but I know I receive them from the only ONE that matters. God is grace and He is mercy! He knew me and He knows me, flaws and all, and He continues to love me, support me, and guide me despite...

Despite the sin, the mistakes, the disobedience, the flaws, He still claims me as His daughter.

"The righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus."

-Romas 3:23-24

So, I walk into tomorrow, Thanksgiving 2020, grateful. Grateful for you, the readers. Grateful to my family, my friends, and my future freedom. I will eventually be free from the bondage of pleasing others. From the bondage of not knowing who I am. At the end of it all, I will know and claim who I am and who I was created to be. I know I wasn't created to please everyone around me and frankly it's not even possible. I wasn't created to pretend that I am ok and take on the burdens of everyone else. I was created for purpose and I will eventually find out what that is!

This Thanksgiving rather than focus on those who are missing or the recipe that didn't turn out (always my Jell-0 salad but I keep trying), focus on your grateful! Who is it or for what is it that you are grateful? Go a step further and tell them! Let's not assume anything. Everyone needs to hear they are valued and they are loved and that you are grateful for them! This is the perfect year and the perfect time to share your gratitude to others.

Today I am truly Grateful!