All the Real People Pleasers Please Stand Up!

I'm channeling my inner Slim Shady here. I recognized many years ago my unhealthy need to please others and how much time I spent wondering if they approved or disapproved of me. I really shouldn't use past tense here because although better, I am not cured.

Until just recently, I always assumed there were events in my past that shaped me into being this insecure individual . However, through many conversations with Ali, my youngest, I have realized that this trait is obviously innate and I have unfortunately passed a healthy appetite for other's approval down to her. On one hand, I'm heartbroken for her, as I and others, see great potential in her that she is unable to tap into at this point. On the other hand, I feel like I am fully equipped to guide her through this curse as I have been dealing with it for quite some time.

I am immediately drawn to those individuals who exude confidence with a healthy dose of, "I don't give a rip!" I want what they have. It's like the Beth Dutton syndrome. They appear to go through life with a freedom that I have never experienced. I am too busy replaying every conversation from the last 24 hours to ensure I did not offend anyone. Sounds exhausting, doesn't it? Believe me it is. I just want to touch these confident beings in hopes that I could be healed like the woman who was bleeding desperately touched the edge of Jesus' cloak as he passed by. (Luke 8:43-48)

Oh, I know where my true confidence and peace can and should be found, Jesus! I just have to remind myself of this when I get in the cycle of trying to find my peace in pleasing others.

"You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you."

-Isaiah 26:3

I'm happy to report that I feel like I recently made progress towards a cure to my people pleasing. I had an encounter with a friend that took a turn that I wasn't interested in pursuing. The encounter ended and we both went on about our business. A few minutes later I felt the sudden urge to reach out, to make it right, to make it peaceful. It wasn't because there was some nasty exchange or that I did something wrong. It was the lack of peace and harmony that I could feel at the end of the conversation. The old Jill would have sent a text or called just to make nice, just to ensure that this person was still ok with me. I fought this urge and told myself that it is fine even if she is not ok with me in this moment. Neither of us did anything wrong. Why do I feel that everyone, I mean everyone on this freaking planet, is ok with me? I came to a place of peace that everyone is definitely not ok with me and they never will be but it doesn't make me wrong. This is not my responsibility.

I feel like fighting the urge of the old habits and creating new ones is a step in the right direction to finding the "real Jill". Had I acted in the way that came naturally to me, I would have put aside how I truly felt just to please someone else or to make sure that the relationship had peace, even if it was at my expense. I am beginning to realize that keeping the peace is not always healthy. Maybe genuine relationships require healthy discord from time to time in order to stay healthy. This doesn't mean I will go around picking fights with my friends and loved ones but I do think that years of stuffing away how I truly feel has been to my detriment and to the detriment of my close relationships. These relationships are not truly genuine if I never voice my opinion and always let the other person be happy. Nothing about that is realistic or genuine.

So what is my responsibility in my relationships? I believe in a healthy dose of respect. Just because I am on a journey to find the genuine Jill does not give me a license to be mean, nasty, disrespectful, and always get my way. I am simply working to practice the art of sharing my feelings in a given situation and learning to be ok if the encounter is not perfectly peaceful. I may need to self reflect as to why the situation is not harmonious and if I have any ownership in that, then act accordingly but keeping the peace at my expense is no longer an option for me.

So to all my fellow people pleasers and peacemakers, STOP! Take tiny steps to break the old patterns and begin new by allowing your voice to be heard or your feelings to be legitimized. My not wanting to engage in the direction that the conversation was going did not make me right or wrong, it was simply a legitimate feeling. We are entitled to be true to how we feel rather than squelch our feelings at our own expense. Trust me; pretending feelings do not exist can take a very large toll on your relationships. Your true feelings will eventually be heard!